Bumleysaurus Regina

So... this year, 2012. There's a lot of talk of the end of the world. This winter solstice 2012 is the day when the Mayan calendar ends. Is that meaningful? Or did the Mayan calendar carver all those thousands of years ago look up from his work at one point and say, "look guys, I've carved several thousand years into the future, can I take a break for a cup of tea?"

The planets in the solar system are not lining up, though we may be in an interesting spot in our galaxy. Our planet may well have its own, thousands-year-long cycles that modern people claim not to be able to sense. And perhaps it's true, or even if we can't sense it, a cycle of our planet has little meaning for human beings. I personally think we are more part of this planet than we realise.

Anyway, whether 2012 is bullshit or not, I do know that everywhere I look, people are walking out of their jobs, leaving their long term partners and in other ways drastically changing their lives, all giving the same vague reason when asked why they have done it: 'There must be more to life. Life is precious, there's no point wasting it being unhappy.' Family and friends have been curious sympathetic to this idea. I know many of us have had a period of depression or anxiety this year, and still others have explained it by saying that it's because we can feel change coming and change is uncomfortable. It's also frightening when you can feel it and yet others don't seem to. I know political activity has been at its highest since I was branded an apathetic youth in the nineties. I know interest in feminism is growing, trade union activity is growing and this is just in my country and sphere of influence.

Is that to do with 2012 or is it a coincidence? There's something I do know about human beings, it's that once they get an idea into their head, it becomes a reality. Apparently it's not possible for the human brain to think of things in the negative, or as a lack. So everyone who thinks that change might happen and they do not want it are adding to the idea just as much as people who are embracing change with excitement and joy. It no longer matters whether 2012 is meaningful or not, now that we are all thinking about the end of the world in 2012, it will happen and that is pure psychology.

The question for us now is, are we going to approach this change with fear, or with love?

It's not going to be the end of my world.

My boyfriend is amazing. Not only is he possibly the most physically attractive person I've ever been out with, he's also super talented. He's funny, interesting and inspiring. One of the best things about him is his sense of play. Even more endearing is it makes him giggle. Someone I once knew said that play is the key to future human evolution. If that's true he's a highly evolved being.

Within 24 hours of meeting each other we had expressed our love for each other. Communication with him is so effortless it's almost as if we haven't even had to speak at all. One day, long after our first meeting I saw him again. I was very busy and stressed and at one point while I was sitting down for a breather he put his hand on my leg. At that simple touch a wave of calm washed over me. When I realised what was happening I turned to stare at him. That's when I knew we should be lovers.

He's so perfect for me that he only accepted being my boyfriend on the condition that it was non-monogamous. Wow.

I'm currently going through quite a major change in my life and I need to go and see him. He's like my guru. After seeing him I feel grounded, confident and full of love & hope.

He's also one of the few people in my life to never comment that I would somehow be prettier or better off if I just wore more dresses. He loves my androgynous look. He loves it when I cut my hair. And I love him for that.

I love him for all of this, and more, my amazing boyfriend.

Triumphant altered day
Time moves in spades
Exultant! Like faerie queens
We move and lure to our beds
And cavort with each other.
Soft, warm light bleeding
Over lemon flesh
A sensorium
Rubbed round by the moon,
We take heed, we flash
With energy
Our loins lead us in sacred dances
We step from foot to foot
Pursue our conquest in mild, ecstatic play
Through beloved night.

I live with many
I laugh with many
I love with many
I sleep with many
No need to form an orderly queue in time
My lovers are in parallel.
Life is too short for love in series
For the lights to go out
When just one bulb blows.

The first thing I want to say is: petrol strike!!!

The last one was amazing: everyone was allowed to be a bit late to work and school, the streets were clean, quiet and a joy to be walking on. All us normal people saved a bit of money, got more exercise and were late for our hum-drum jobs. No doubt Britain's CO2 emissions plummeted for that week. Not only that but we were all willing to gag trying to get spare petrol out of unused cars to donate to ambulances, people with disabled kids and suchlike. Even the people in panic-buying, hours long queues on petrol station forecourts were broadly cheerful and supported the tanker driver's dispute.

In fact, petrol strikes only harm one kind of person: car drivers that MUST BE AT THE OFFICE FOR THE VERY IMPORTANT DEAL AT EXACTLY 8.45AM OR THE FINANCIAL FORECAST OF THE COMPANY WILL GO TO SHIT.

You know, those high-powered people, typing an email on their laptop whilst also shouting down their mobile phone in the back of a mini cab, or those transport secretaries who admonish us to use more public transport and then use their car to travel a distance of 100 yards.

Or in other words: CUNTS!

The CUNTS that are fucking it up for the rest of us without our participation or consent. The ones talking about using THE ARMY to deliver petrol to petrol stations. Using THE ARMY to disrupt industrial action.

THE ARMY

Is there something wrong with that idea? Is there? In a free market democracy? Hmmm....

So yeah choke those cunts, throttle the bastards in any way you can, damn straight do a petrol strike, the cunts will be on their knees begging and the rest of us will be on our knees thanking you for the reduction in pollution and puritanical work hours.

STRIKE!!

Thank you.

Cunts.

That man I liked, so unexpected, running towards me. He spun me round in a crazy jig, kissed me hard and full on the lips, declared 'I've wanted to do that for ages' and kept right on running.

That woman I have called my wife in jest. It was her feet I rubbed with love last week, for the first time in my life.

That man of few but thoughtful words, who worries how to say that he shares his love with many.

That man who talks faster than he thinks, and thinks at terrifying speed. Manipulator of fire and of hearts & minds, it doesn't matter how we feel for each other, it just matters that we feel.



Let that which does not matter truly slide.

Let love which cannot be described take root inside.

Something that I've been half waiting to happen in my life has happened: I answered my door to the Jehovah's Witnesses. I've been out for over a decade, but never had the dubious pleasure of being on the 'householder's side of things. People have asked me what I thought I would do. I wasn't sure. This is what I did do:

They introduced themselves with first names, saying they were bringing good news... I checked the tract to be sure they were in fact JWs and immediately told them that I used to be a Jehovah's Witness, I'm now an atheist. They can believe what they wanted but they should move on to the next house. Of course, this piqued their interest, especially the 'atheist' position. One of them asked, "if you're an atheist, who are you accountable to?" to which I replied, "to no-one, and that's ok. I'm accountable to myself and the other human beings with whom I share my life & this planet and that's it." They asked if I was raised a JW, where, did I still talk to my parents etc. and the first JW said, "don't you feel lost?" and I said "No... don't YOU feel scared?"
"Scared of what?" they said
"Scared of people, scared of life, scared that someone will burgle you and scared of gay people and scared of politics and the police and everything. You're in a very extreme religion."
"Well, we're bringing hope about a new world"
"No, THIS world is amazing, human beings are wonderful and the world is full of light and love, right now..."
"But the problems in the world..."
"... the problems are beautiful, and people are wonderful and this world is right where I want to be"
"You've got us all wrong"
"I've lived with you for 20 years, I haven't got you wrong. Goodbye now."

The urge to say more, to try to make them see, was there. Equally I wanted to respect what they believed because I expect the same in return.

While talking with them I was surprised to see how anxious I was, my throat constricting, voice wobbling and everything. When I came back upstairs I was glad to hear that by coincidence a track was playing that I usually meditate to. It's mostly instrumental but has some female vocals, it makes me feel earthy, feminine and strong. A very pleasant coincidence. I happened to be tending my rats when they knocked and I came back to them, focussing my energy on their care. I'm also about to go and see my boyfriend in another town for his birthday.

I was quite shaken by engaging with the JWs again, but luckily everything I said to them or thought about rings true for me. Life is wonderful & filled with love. Yes, the world isn't perfect, but there's no need to be scared. I only wish I'd remembered to ask to be made a 'do not call'!

(cross posted from Bivisiblebristol blog)

I haven't been able to get a short video of Dan Savage out of my head lately. It's the first one that is displayed on his column at www.thestranger.com, where he's answering the question: do bisexual men exist? It's a great video and I love Dan very much, but towards the end he talks about bi people tending to end up in opposite sex relationships and 'disappear into the heterosexual assumption'. He says that studies show there are more bisexual people than gay and lesbian people, yet, where do they all go? He says they disappear into the heterosexual world and most of them are straight identified and wish to be so. He says it's not biphobic to acknowledge that this happens.

I don't disagree with Dan and am not going to criticise, he is not being biphobic with his comments and the video is from a Q&A in a college where he is put on the spot to answer questions. However it has triggered my imagination and indignation, so here is a little commentary.

From my personal experience I know (and from polls on this blog as well as BiCon stats etc.) that just as many bisexual people disappear into the 'homosexual assumption' as they do into the 'heterosexual assumption'. Just because Dan can't see the disappearing bisexuals doesn't mean they aren't all around him in his world too. For the gay community there is an assumption that if you are participating in that community you are in some respects 'out', at least to other members of that community if not to family etc. There is a feeling that if you are straight, then that is perceived by society as the norm and if you are not straight there is a need to disprove assumptions people may make by exhibiting 'not straight' behaviour. Participating in the gay community is one way of being 'not straight'. Dan thinks there are very few bi people in the gay community, because he has assumed that everyone can be 'out' in gay circles and if people are bi then they should have no fear of saying so. Of course, sadly this is simply not the case for bisexual people because both the gay and straight worlds make assumptions that everyone else is just like them. Biphobia or bi erasure exists with all human beings, whether gay or straight or bi themselves.

This brings us then to the idea that bisexual people need a community of their own, such as has happened with the gay community, to foster solidarity & safety and also show the assuming population that bisexuality is something very real.

In bisexual commentaries there is much talk of a seeming lack of bisexual community, the complex reasons for this (one of the major ones being gender diversity), the undeniable advantages and disadvantages to this state of affairs etc. I will leave you to research and engage in these conversations yourselves.

However, as a bisexual activist in 2012 I have noticed that, to my surprise, there is indeed a bisexual community. In fact there is not just one but many. They simply take a while to find.

Thanks to the internet there ARE resources for bisexual people. My 'bi stuff' book mark folder has several links in there that are specifically UK based and there are many world wide. It's true there might not be enough to educate the world, to end monosexual assumption by the person on the street, but there is more than enough to reassure the individual bisexual that they are not alone. As part of these resources one can find that, thanks to tireless volunteers, most major UK cities have a bi group and there is a national, annual, three day bisexual festival, known as BiCon . There is a print magazine, Bi Community News and even bi networks of academics and activists fighting for all things bi. This is the first community I found as a newly out bi person and it is a fantastic and supportive one.

However, lately, I've noticed another bisexual community. This one is more secret, and I've found it by being open and honest about being bi. The more I shout about being bi, the more I find out that existing friends are also bi and the more other bi people who I didn't know before make their way to me. This is a community that has taken much longer to access but it is local and infinitely exciting/rewarding to discover. It is in this community that the benefits of bisexual diversity are really apparent. The range of ages, genders & creeds makes this community look and feel very diverse, and therefore strong.

And there is yet another layer of bis I have uncovered. As a bi activist, I think bi thoughts quite a lot of the time and try to hang out with bi people a lot. As a result, I have somehow managed to develop a bi-dar. With said bi-dar I have discovered those bi people who are very careful not to let on that they are bi, but stay true to themselves by holding the principle that if asked directly, they will give a truthful answer. This strategy serves them well since, with monosexual assumption so prevalent, no-one ever asks them directly. I think this strategy is most often used by bisexual men, who seem to have a different experience under patriarchy than do bisexual women. It has been very enjoyable to get a strange feeling from someone and ask them directly, 'are you bi?' and see the conflict on the person's face. The courage to stick to principles has won out in the few times I've asked it and they've admitted to being bi. This kind of bi would never go to a bi meet, or a bi club night, they just see themselves as 'open to experiences'. Luckily, they don't need to go to meets or be out in any way - I still know they're bi, because I'm bi too.

And this is the secret bi world to which the title of this post alludes. There is no bi handshake, no bi language (like Polari), you cannot tell just by looking if someone is bi. And yet, given a measure of connection and conversation, it is possible to eventually ask if someone is bi. The more out you are as a bi person, the more likely it is you'll find that people answer 'yes' to your question.

This is a very human, very beautiful way to find other bi people and build your own, secret, bi world.

To come back to Dan's comment that bi people disappear in the straight world: I've recently hoped to make all of my current and future partners bisexual, because it feels easier & more relaxed to be with someone who understands me. So far, this desire has become a reality since my bisexual world has become more and more broad, with plenty of people to choose from. So perhaps it goes further than Dan could imagine.

Bisexual people do not disappear into the straight world, they don't disappear into the gay world. Whatever the gender of their partner (which can be so much more than opposite/same gender) bisexual people only disappear from the monosexual world, we're over here in the bisexual world, and it being secret & invisible just makes it more amazing.

It really doesn't seem that long ago that I was reflecting last year...

I've been thinking more things than I presently have time for, but I feel very grateful because a few days after Christmas I realised that I was happy, something I hadn't been feeling for about three months and I was finding it hard. But at the present moment there are lots of loving things behind me that are still there, lots of possibilities for the future and I generally feel well, loved and at peace.

What an amazing way to start a new year

Am I really bi?

It's a question bi people ask themselves more than once. I personally felt I had come to being bi from an almost purely intellectual standpoint. My education had provided me with key ideas, for example that our society has a powerful influence on our beliefs. Also that we don't know why people are gay, it could be genes, but on top of that the world around us can do much to influence expression of genetics. The idea that we live in a patriarchy, that human beings exist in a highly complex social world, that everything we know to be real might all just be in our minds.

Anyway, one day I read a book that said 'women are socialised to allow men sexual access to their bodies, but not women'. Though the author was advocating intimacy between heterosexual women, I couldn't help thinking "I do only allow men sexual access to me, why not women?" From which thought I realised I didn't look at women as sexual beings. Why not? Because I've been socialised that way? So I thought I'd give it a go. I started to look at women specifically when I was out and about on the street. I asked, are women attractive? Would I enjoy sexual contact with them?

The answer seemed to be, well, yeah, why not? Obviously not all women, but I can appreciate that women are beautiful and clever and amazing, just like men. It would be somewhat different to having sex with a man, but hey, surely it could be fun?

I came out as bi not long after, and that was two years ago. I felt pretty shaky coming out even though I'd not *technically* had sexual contact with a girl. At the time it I felt like perhaps I was being similar to a political lesbian: my intellect, rather than instinct, being in control of the choice. I don't think I'd've noticed women in any other way, I felt there was not a 'natural' upsurge in me that just *made* me look at the occasional women and feel stirrings for her. Nonetheless, if I looked at women, whatever made me do it, and came to the 'why not?' conclusion then I was determined I was allowed to call myself bi.

Two years on, am I still an intellectual bi?

Of course these days I know I didn't need to sleep with a girl to say I'm bi, because there are bis that are bi because of the relationship side of being with a person (not necessarily sex) and they don't restrict themselves by gender, also that there are not just "men" and "women" but "intersex" and "trans" and a host of other genders and actually if you had to sleep with one of each gender it would take ages to be able to say you were bi!

Having said that, I have slept with three cis women and from that standpoint I've got some more practical experience alongside the intellectual theory.

I still feel that arriving at bi came from an intellectual place, but the other day I was thinking and talking about gender and relationships. As a bisexual feminist, I find it harder and harder to find any differences between people in terms of gender. For a while I started using attributes rather than genders (ie not: men do this, women do that) to describe things often saying: 'masculinities' and 'femininities'. But the more I said this and observed my friends, the more these things also seemed absurd. Myself and my male friend were having a chat and we agreed that he has more femininities than I have and I probably have more masculinities. Where does that leave us when we observe that I am female and he is male?

Perhaps I hang out with lots of people whose personalities do not conform to their gender stereotype. I think it's that I try to be friends with people who have a strong sense of self and are happy to express themselves in any way they see fit.

Even our genitals are the same! In terms of erogenous zones, men and women have all the same things except for one small detail: having an "inny" or an "outty".

When I am close friends with someone I get to the stage where I want to express my affection in a physical manner, including sexual contact, and I now find it slightly strange when people demur because I am the wrong gender for them. And it's the fact that I now find such a thing absurd that I'm wondering if this is the 'natural' feeling that people get when they say, "of course I'm gay/straight, I just know it."

After two years of thinking of myself as bi, and making an effort to observe all people (not just men) in terms of their attractiveness to me, regardless of gender, it seems my 'natural' reactions have caught up with my intellectual thoughts. I 'naturally', in an instant, feel-it-in-my-gut kind of way, find people attractive based on themselves, not on their gender and I find it pretty strange when other people don't.

I feel as if I might have 'trained' myself this way, but I think all pubescent children have to train themselves to give a direction to their sexual energies. I feel like I'm just completing the process.

If it was a purely intellectual exercise, though, could everyone do it? I don't know. I've known some pretty intellectually honest people experiment with relationships/sexual contact with a non-preferred gender and, while happy with the experience, simply do not want to try it again. They're sure.

So perhaps that's where the 'instinctual' bi is in me: yes I trained myself, a rather intellectual process, but I enjoyed it enough to do it again. And again and again and again.