I dreamed this morning of anal sex, of missed sex with a woman and that bin food was actually on my doorstep though I had been searching far and wide for it.

Today, I examined my neighbour's bins in the refuse room and pondered the back door of Tesco. But tonight, while I was low, not thinking of anything but myself and my own sadness, I saw their bin, outside, locked, under my nose. There were extra bags, not yet placed in the bin, I think full of things, of goodies, but I was too slow to dare tonight.

A coincidence that I'm now watching flaky videos about 2012 and there has been a large section on freeing oneself from fear.

Let's hope the anal sex is also on the doorstep.

Why I think it'll all be ok: security - DRAFT

Dan: "It helps that we are all beyond beginners at poly"

All four of us have some important qualities that will help this work. We are secure in ourselves, self sufficient emotionally and socially as well as financially or in terms of our physical needs. This means we can hopefully avoid negative emotions when we are apart or, importantly, when one or two of us are apart from the others.

During our second weekend there were times when I was apart from the other three for short periods (such as cigarette breaks) and while I was eager to be in their company in case I missed something, this emotion came from a positive place of excitement, or was purely for practical reasons, rather than from a sense of 'missing out' or being left out. I also enjoyed these moments on my own as a space for moment to moment micro-processing of what was going on, or to check in with myself to see if things were still ok.

This skill of 'being able to be alone and not feel left out' is important and useful. We have spoken as a four about how many relationships actually operate between four people. This has been suggested to be between six and nine different relationships, depending on how one counts them. Only one of the relationships is between the four people as a whole, while the others are some variation of two or three people out of four. It could be possible to have anxiety over the development of these relationships, however if we are all secure individuals who are able to remain secure when apart from the rest of the group we can feel free to develop our relationships with each other outside of the limited time we have together as a four and without necessarily needing exhaustive discussions about acceptable ways to go about this.

In my example of cigarette breaks, I was able to feel secure because I knew I was going back in to the group of four. However, the four are only able to be together at certain, possibly rare, times so when we are developing relationships outside of the four, we are unlikely to have the safety of knowing we are diving straight back in to the physical security of the 4wesome. So creating a shared space that we can come back to and share with each other, probably digitally, seems like a good idea to maintain our feelings of security [we currently email, facebook, text and have our own online forum!]

The Musketeers

So what is this 4wesome/Musketeers thing I keep talking about?

The short version is that at 2012 BiCon myself and three other people (two boys and a girl: Dan, Q and SD) who were more or less strangers to each other met, hung out, played board games, had a little dance and then decided to go and have sex together.

The feeling amongst ourselves was open, accepting, tender and joyful. The sex had some of the usual anxiety and comedy that first time sex always has, but in the main it was intimate, funny, open and generally excellent.

We had such a great time that we hung out again the next day, talking, touching and of course, playing more board games. We also managed to find a room with a bigger bed! Once again the emotional and mental space we created felt amazing and the sexual space was fantastic. The glory of the sensation of skin on skin, multiple hands, limbs, head scratches and cuddles is hard to describe. On many occasions we wondered whose hand it was we were holding, or who exactly was giving a caress, but it also didn't matter.

By the final day of BiCon were very high on each other and our dynamic as a group of four people who had managed to go from strangers to group lovers in the space of 48 hours. Before BiCon ended we arranged to meet again two weekends later. And that is another story.

I feel there is much to be described about this event, since, for me, it stands as a shining example of the beauty of humanity, of the possibilities of human interaction, sensuality, joy and (say it quietly) love. The world is improved because this happened and nothing can take that away. Before we move on to the future, to what happened on our next meeting (and our next and our next...) it is worth standing still and appreciating the scale of that present moment, the glory of it.

And when I have some more time, I will extend this post to include that.

The Sign Of Four

The sign of four...thoughts on The Musketeers in no particular order.

[Please see the following blog post called : The Muskteers for a in-date-order explanation of what is going on!]

News From The Weekend

So... that worked!

Probably the primary question in our minds before this weekend: will the dynamics of the four people continue to work/be interesting outside of the unique space that is BiCon? Additionally, will it work when the people in the four are potentially in a different emotional space due to being outside BiCon, or simply due to natural changes in mood with the flow of time. Was what we experienced at Bicon a unique moment of chance, fostered by the special space of Bicon combined with the personalities/skills/mood of the people involved, or are the attributes of the people involved enough in and of themselves to continue to create the space-experience on our own? Is the experiment repeatable?

While I was in the ihop (International House Of Pain - Dan's shared house named by our mutual friend JD) with Dan we had some nice times and expressed our excitement for the others to arrive. When Q and R arrived it was terribly pleasant, and the addition of a mutual friend JD created a lovely space in which we all shared sleeping arrangements in an affectionate manner. The following day the sense of waiting for SD was tangible, to the point where R, who is outside the 4wesome, commented upon it. My amour A was added to the mix at this point and the desire for SD to arrive was reaching some kind of pitch.

When the doorbell rang the three members of the 4wesome went to answer it, this being the first time those three were on their own and although I've said it before, I cannot overstate the sense of connection and completeness I felt when SD came in the door and we were all together again. The people and their skill/desire sets certainly seemed to be able to operate outside of our previous special circumstances. The rest of the weekend confirmed this and now it almost seems like that particular 'big' question was actually not so big, or it was only the first question and in the context of the rest of the relationship adventure was only one tiny step along the road. Hey ho, we live and learn.


So... this year, 2012. There's a lot of talk of the end of the world. This winter solstice 2012 is the day when the Mayan calendar ends. Is that meaningful? Or did the Mayan calendar carver all those thousands of years ago look up from his work at one point and say, "look guys, I've carved several thousand years into the future, can I take a break for a cup of tea?"

The planets in the solar system are not lining up, though we may be in an interesting spot in our galaxy. Our planet may well have its own, thousands-year-long cycles that modern people claim not to be able to sense. And perhaps it's true, or even if we can't sense it, a cycle of our planet has little meaning for human beings. I personally think we are more part of this planet than we realise.

Anyway, whether 2012 is bullshit or not, I do know that everywhere I look, people are walking out of their jobs, leaving their long term partners and in other ways drastically changing their lives, all giving the same vague reason when asked why they have done it: 'There must be more to life. Life is precious, there's no point wasting it being unhappy.' Family and friends have been curious sympathetic to this idea. I know many of us have had a period of depression or anxiety this year, and still others have explained it by saying that it's because we can feel change coming and change is uncomfortable. It's also frightening when you can feel it and yet others don't seem to. I know political activity has been at its highest since I was branded an apathetic youth in the nineties. I know interest in feminism is growing, trade union activity is growing and this is just in my country and sphere of influence.

Is that to do with 2012 or is it a coincidence? There's something I do know about human beings, it's that once they get an idea into their head, it becomes a reality. Apparently it's not possible for the human brain to think of things in the negative, or as a lack. So everyone who thinks that change might happen and they do not want it are adding to the idea just as much as people who are embracing change with excitement and joy. It no longer matters whether 2012 is meaningful or not, now that we are all thinking about the end of the world in 2012, it will happen and that is pure psychology.

The question for us now is, are we going to approach this change with fear, or with love?

It's not going to be the end of my world.

My boyfriend is amazing (sick making alert!)

My boyfriend is amazing. Not only is he possibly the most physically attractive person I've ever been out with, he's also super talented. He's funny, interesting and inspiring. One of the best things about him is his sense of play. Even more endearing is it makes him giggle. Someone I once knew said that play is the key to future human evolution. If that's true he's a highly evolved being.

Within 24 hours of meeting each other we had expressed our love for each other. Communication with him is so effortless it's almost as if we haven't even had to speak at all. One day, long after our first meeting I saw him again. I was very busy and stressed and at one point while I was sitting down for a breather he put his hand on my leg. At that simple touch a wave of calm washed over me. When I realised what was happening I turned to stare at him. That's when I knew we should be lovers.

He's so perfect for me that he only accepted being my boyfriend on the condition that it was non-monogamous. Wow.

I'm currently going through quite a major change in my life and I need to go and see him. He's like my guru. After seeing him I feel grounded, confident and full of love & hope.

He's also one of the few people in my life to never comment that I would somehow be prettier or better off if I just wore more dresses. He loves my androgynous look. He loves it when I cut my hair. And I love him for that.

I love him for all of this, and more, my amazing boyfriend.

Want to throw the piece of paper away...

Triumphant altered day
Time moves in spades
Exultant! Like faerie queens
We move and lure to our beds
And cavort with each other.
Soft, warm light bleeding
Over lemon flesh
A sensorium
Rubbed round by the moon,
We take heed, we flash
With energy
Our loins lead us in sacred dances
We step from foot to foot
Pursue our conquest in mild, ecstatic play
Through beloved night.

Fuck You, Milan Kundera

I live with many
I laugh with many
I love with many
I sleep with many
No need to form an orderly queue in time
My lovers are in parallel.
Life is too short for love in series
For the lights to go out
When just one bulb blows.

Petrol Strike

The first thing I want to say is: petrol strike!!!

The last one was amazing: everyone was allowed to be a bit late to work and school, the streets were clean, quiet and a joy to be walking on. All us normal people saved a bit of money, got more exercise and were late for our hum-drum jobs. No doubt Britain's CO2 emissions plummeted for that week. Not only that but we were all willing to gag trying to get spare petrol out of unused cars to donate to ambulances, people with disabled kids and suchlike. Even the people in panic-buying, hours long queues on petrol station forecourts were broadly cheerful and supported the tanker driver's dispute.

In fact, petrol strikes only harm one kind of person: car drivers that MUST BE AT THE OFFICE FOR THE VERY IMPORTANT DEAL AT EXACTLY 8.45AM OR THE FINANCIAL FORECAST OF THE COMPANY WILL GO TO SHIT.

You know, those high-powered people, typing an email on their laptop whilst also shouting down their mobile phone in the back of a mini cab, or those transport secretaries who admonish us to use more public transport and then use their car to travel a distance of 100 yards.

Or in other words: CUNTS!

The CUNTS that are fucking it up for the rest of us without our participation or consent. The ones talking about using THE ARMY to deliver petrol to petrol stations. Using THE ARMY to disrupt industrial action.


Is there something wrong with that idea? Is there? In a free market democracy? Hmmm....

So yeah choke those cunts, throttle the bastards in any way you can, damn straight do a petrol strike, the cunts will be on their knees begging and the rest of us will be on our knees thanking you for the reduction in pollution and puritanical work hours.


Thank you.